One step closer....

We got the letter from the hospital today regarding my appointment for my hysteroscopy. My op is scheduled for the 2nd of June, which seems like a million miles away, but technically is only 5 or so weeks away. I'm pretty unfazed about it at the moment....but I'm sure as the date gets closer I'll manage to get myself worked up into a suitable frenzy of "what if's" .
The big question is......

Should I shave or just trim??

Too old for this shit....

Hangovers are not good for the soul.... they are also not good for the head or the stomach. Here I sit, 2 days, yes 2 fucking days, after drinking myself into oblivion still feeling like crap. It's not just the morning after the night before....but the day after the morning after the night before. I never use to get hangovers when I was younger..... well not never....but hardly ever. Now that I've crossed into the over 30's group, my tolerance for alcohol is apparently almost zero. It's official.... I'm too old for this shit.

I must admit that I had an absolutely awesome day though. My friend "A" is heading off to England soon (why is it that all my friends seem to be moving OS? Do I smell???) so some quality time together before she jets off was a chance for us to catch up on some much needed girlie talk, was also a way to help me get myself out of this funk that I'm in....... and sitting in the sun staring at 44 hot sweaty men in short shorts, while sipping on ice cold beers on a Sunday afternoon, was just the medicine I needed.

A surprise visit from my friend "Cleavage" also helped no end. Cleavage , in typical bloke fashion, doesn't usually show high amounts of sympathy for people. I don't think it's because he doesn't care, he, like so many people just don't know what to say. So instead of being stand-off-ish, or doing that whole tilted head pity thing,(which I fucking HATE), to him, I was just me. The same chick he'd met 5 years ago, the pre infertility, pre miscarriages chick. I found myself being more "me" than I had in months. A chance to hang out with people who had no idea of how traumatic the last 12 months of my life had been. I was just "Chan"........ and I shone......

Though all that "shining" has left me feeling like a crap sandwich.........still.....

As I said before...
I'm too old for this shit.....

Lest We Forget

Anzac Day

They shall grow not old,
As we that are left grow old.
Age shall not weary them,
Nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun,
And in the morning,
We will remember them.

Thank you.... for your bravery.... for your sacrifice.

One ticket to self pity central please....

After much consideration, alot of pondering and way too much Bicardi on Saturday night , I've come to the conclusion that I may have a slight case of depression.

Yes... happy go lucky smiley me.

When I am at home, I feel safe to be myself (I don't feel safe walking down the back steps, but we won't go there again). When I'm with The Chad, everything is ok. He knows my pain, we share the same ache in our hearts. When ever I face the big bad world though, well that's another story.

When I see friends (which is rarely), I get teary and emotional. At work I find it hard communicating with customers. I just don't have the energy or the inclination to care about how their day is or to waffle on about meaningless shit to make their "visit" memorable. I find I'm withdrawing further and further into myself.....

I had hoped that I would get closure after our hospital follow up.... but instead of being given the green light to go ahead and try again, I've been put on hold until I can get my uterus checked out.
I had hoped that we'd be able to find a new house and start saving some $$ ... thanks to Pimp Daddy, we're still looking.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem....

Ladies and gentlemen.......my name is Chantal and I am depressed.

Then today, I received an email from L (mentioned in the first part), a quote she hoped would inspire.....

"Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel - stride down there....and light the bloody thing yourself!"
-Sara Henderson

Inspire me it has..... I'm going to pull myself up by my bootstraps, pull my head out of my arse and start living again. I'm not going to spare my friends my grief anymore. I'm sure that who ever it was that came up with the wise quote of "better out than in" wasn't just referring to farts and burps. If I become emotional and cry like a girlie girl when I speak to them, they can deal with it. If they don't like it, they can fuck off. I need to cry.... I need to grieve..... I need to do this so I can move on.....

So this is to officially serve as a warning..... I'm making a come back..... I'm going to stride down the tunnel, blazing torch in hand.....

Thank you L..... for your friendship.....for being the amazing "you" that you are.....

Smoke rings....

Since losing Jesse, I've been trying to make two major life changes.... quit smoking, and lose weight.
I'm finding it dreadfully hard to do either.
I've been smoking since I was 12 years old......I've never been a pack a day smoker, mostly a 10-15 a day kinda girl, which I know still isn't good....but I'm not a chain smoker.

I've tried everything from patches, acupuncture, hypnotherapy and zyban. I've even tried a few times to go cold turkey.........I'm not a very nice person while going through withdrawal believe me! Think Michael Douglas in Falling Down and multiply it by 10.

My latest attempt to give up has failed miserably. While I managed to cut down considerably, I found myself stuffing my face with food to help deal with the withdrawal. And when you're trying to lose weight, that's not such a good thing.

So this morning I jumped on the scales and I nearly shit myself! I've put on 2 fucking kilos!!! This is just not on.

So I've made a decision, instead of trying to juggle the two, I'm going to tackle one thing at a time..... First the excessive amount of poundage that has amassed itself on my arse. Then as we get closer to wanting to start for another baby, I'll tackle the smoking thing.

While my addiction is pretty ordinary and run of the mill, The Chad's addiction is TOTALLY bizarre.....

Yep.... ear buds.... 2 a day, every day without fail. He's just gotta clean his ears ev-er-y day.

Is this the weirdest addiction in the known universe or what???

Not incompetent?

Cont......
So anywho.... I'm still totally gutted about not getting the house.... That house suppose to be the new beginning for our baby quest. It was the first step in a million that we were going to make.... first the house....then save the money......find the doctor......and try again...... NOT NOW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH PIMP DADDY!@!

About our hospital visit.......
I was all prepared for the doctor to say "Yes Ms, it appears you have an incompetent cervix....this is what we will do to fix it and you'll have yourself a baby lick-a-dee-split"
My GP had said that from the description I gave him on the way things happened, it was a case of IC. All the research I'd done on the internet pointed to an IC.
My new doctor, Dr Cook, doesn't think it's an IC. He actually thinks it's "just one of those things".....just one of those things that happened not once...but twice???? I could understand if they were both first trimester loses.....but 2 of them at 13.4 & 14.3 weeks? He's certain that it's something else.....what he doesn't know....but something else none the less.
So for starters, he's ordered a barrage of blood tests, which I'm going back to the hospital to have done tomorrow. He's also booked me in to have a hysteroscopy to see if there's any abnormalities in my uterus. While he's there, he's going to do a
endometrial biopsy to check for infections. Because we are technically poor white trash (private health cover here in Australia is beyond ridiculous) we are going through the public system, which means the hysteroscopy could take place any time in the next 3 months...... if I'm lucky.
If all the tests show that there's nothing "wrong", Dr Cook wants to keep a very close eye on me next time we fall pregnant. I'm to arrange an appointment with the hospital as soon as I find out that I'm pregnant..... have a scan at 8 weeks, then at 10 weeks, then every week after that to check for shortening of my cervix.

The Dr and I also had a little "disagreement" about how far pregnant I actually was. When I went for my scan on the Monday, going by my LMP I was 13.2 weeks, but Jesse was measuring at 14.4 weeks. Dr Cook said that I had obviously gotten my dates wrong because there is no way that a baby at that gestation could measure 9 days ahead. 2-3 days yes, but not 9 days. He said that I'd probably ovulated earlier than what I though. When I said that I was basing my dates on my LMP, he assured me that I was wrong. I knew when I'd had my periods..... they are marked with a big red X on my calendar. You DO NOT second guess a woman who is trying desperately to fall pregnant when her last menstrual cycle was.

Despite our little disagreement, he seems like a nice Dr. He is actually the same Dr that my Mum's friend went and saw when she had her 3. He still has a private practice and does a fortnightly rotation at the public hospital. If all goes well with the hysteroscopy, I might even consider paying money to see him.......

We got a copy of the pathology report which showed no obvious abnormalities.

Our little Jesse was 55.8gms, had a crown/rump length of 83mm, crown/heel length of 115mm, head circumference 100mm, chest circumference of 83mm and his left foot was 12mm long.

He didn't seem so little as I held him in my hand........

Stupid bastards....

Ok....so we finally hear back from "Pimp Daddy", our gold chain wearing, sports car driving property manager and guess what....... we didn't get it. That's right folks..... no new house for me. Am I pissed? Damn straight! The owner decided to go with the "other applicant". What the fuck was he doing sending the owner 2 applicants??? He should have just sent one and not given them a choice......full stop. I wanted that damn house!

Do you think that the Christmas decoration that is STILL hanging on our front door has anything to do with our spate of bad luck this year? I remember hearing somewhere that if you leave your tree/decorations up after new year it will bring you bad luck........

I 'aint testing fate any longer...... down comes the jingle bells.... TODAY!

We went to the hospital yesterday for our follow up appointment since losing Jesse...... it's long and indepth, so I'll post again later when I have time.....

For now..... it's off to work ......again...... *sigh*

Jinxed?

After my big woo-hoo about getting approval on the new house yesterday, have I jinxed us? We were suppose to hear from the real estate today about setting up a time to sign the lease......but did they call....noooo....am I getting anxious....yeesssss.

We're outta here!

We went and had a look at another house on Saturday. Once again, we didn't hold much luck in getting it due to the amount of people that turned up for the open house.
One thing we did have in our favour was that it was through the same agents that we rent "the death trap" from and our property manager is THE nicest person on the planet.
Well not 10 minutes ago, I got a phone call to say that apart from a few minor formalities, our application has been approved!
So we're OUTTA HERE.....
The house is just gorgeous! 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms....... it's not highset, but it's big enough to give us our space.
Did I mention that my sister and her 3 year old son are moving in with us?? Not the smartest thing in the world to do, but we really need to do it for financial reasons.
I just hope we survive the next 3 weeks, 5 days here

Visiting the mad hatter.....

So today I went out to my mum's. She'd told me of this "friend" of hers, lets call her "Dippy", who had apparently had 6 miscarriages, and, with the help of "herbs" she'd gone on to successfully have a child, and that Dippy had suggested that she may be able to help us.

Dippy was diagnosed with PCOS and thought that maybe I also had it....wait for it....because I too had had miscarriages. I don't have irregular cycles, male pattern baldness, hair on my chest or any of the other symptoms that are associated with PCOS.

I was contemplating whether or not to explain the reasoning behind the nickname..... but I thought better of it. She was kind enough to share her experiences with me, so I won't be nasty and give her a bad wrap.

Next....

Our river of shit.....
Another exciting thing to add to our big long list of reasons why we hate this house.....
I woke up yesterday morning to the pungent smell of shit wafting through our bedroom window. Let me tell you, it's not the nicest thing to wake up to.
I don some "outside clothes", cause god knows the neighbors wouldn't want to see me in my nightie, head down the oh so unsafe stairs, to be confronted by a mass of wet clumps of toilet paper and nuggets of shit overflowing from the sewage pipe.
Three phone calls to the real estate and it finally gets fixed.... after lunch.....

Have I mentioned that I hate this house???

I want a new house!

I hate this house. I hate the way the kitchen sways....yes sways.... when you walk through, I hate that the floor boards creek ominously when you walk ANYWHERE. I hate the the stupid twat of an owner couldn't be bothered to paint the bathroom properly and there's always mold growing on the ceiling. I hate that, in some places, what appears to be, say for example, A SUPPORT BEAM, is actually just a layer of paint over something that use to resemble wood! I hate that water comes in through the lounge room window and has ruined my curtains. I hate that the banister on the rear stairs is so unsafe that it should be replaced. I hate that the afore mentioned twat of an owner thinks that not fixing all these problems is "ok" .....and that if we fall through the deck....pphhtt....whoop-dee-doo. I hate how this house makes me feel. I want a new house.... and I want it NOW!

We didn't get the house we applied for yesterday..... which totally sucks arse.

no. 22

I should add that we went and had a look at a house tonight.... it wasn't perfect, 1000 times better than this death trap that we're living in at the moment. There were also about a gazillion other people there to look at it...... We're putting in an aplication tomorrow....so cross your fingers that we'll soon be leaving no. 22

Icy stares, bitter ex

Why is it so hard for some people to let go and move on with their lives?

I'm speaking about my ex who, still, after almost 3 years feels so much malice and hatred towards me it's beyond a joke.

Yes I broke his heart. Yes I lied to him. Yes I cheated on him. But after 3 years is it necessary to throw death stares my way everytime he sees me??

Shouldn't I be the one that should be bitter and angry after he left me close to $4000 worth of debt and outstanding bills, left it up to me to pack up and clean almost 9 years worth of crap out of our house and jumped The Chad in the carpark and left his face a bloody mess?

Isn't it only fair to say that the one time I cheated on him counteracted the 2 times (that I know of) that he cheated on me?

Isn't me breaking his heart equal to his breaking my heart everytime he refused to do anything regarding our fertility problems during the 5 years I so desperately tried to fall pregnant?

Isn't my lying to him exactly the same thing he did to me everytime he told me he loved me, when in fact, if he truly loved me, he would have cared if I was happy?

If it pains him so much to see me, why on earth did he take a job in the same shopping center where he is bound to see me at least every other day?

I really do wish happiness for him...... I hope that one day he could find someone to love that makes him feel complete.

But in the mean time.... I wish the icy death stares, the snarled lips and the muttered obscenities under his breath as he walked past, would stop........

I just wish he'd get the fuck over it!

Urea-who?

After finding Sarah's latest entry last night, I decided to be proactive and make an appointment to see the doctor. Her doctor had suggested that the cause of alot of "incompetent cervixes" could be because of an infection.
So off I toddle to the doctor this morning with my list of possible infections that I wanted to get tested for...
Ureaplasma
E-coli
Strep B
Firstly he asks me how he wants me to test for these infections..... I mean come on.... you're a freaking doctor.... do you really need to be told that I would like you to take a swab from my VAGINA for these infections???? He then informs me that he doesn't do pap smears because it's too much of a hassle because he needs to have another woman in the room!!

And....apparently, in his 30 years of practicing medicine he's NEVER ordered a test for Ureaplasma!! THEN he tells me that he's never heard of Ureaplasma! I mean puh-lease! Just look here , and here and there's a little website called http://UREAPLASMA.allbio.org ummm hello....... and this man calls himself a doctor???
He did, somehow, manage to give me a referral to a gynecologist though.

We've got a follow up appointment at the hospital on the 13th for them to give us the results and what not, so I think I'll wait and find out what they have to say. But if my cycle goes back to it's regular 28 days, I'm going to get my girlies the day before the appointment, which means that I doubt they'll want to swim the great red sea to get a sample to test for anything....ewwwww

Only 12 days till we find out where we stand in regards to this whole baby making business. So until then..... I'll be waiting patiently here in limbo....