Monday, November 28, 2005

Colour My World

Thank you so very much to all you wonderful ladies who let me pour my heart out, offered their compassion and understanding and didn’t judge me on the things I had done in my past.
(A special thank you to Em and Lisa for sharing their experiences too)

Sorry it has been so long since I’ve posted but we’ve been busy. Chad and I both had a weeks holiday together, which unfortunately wasn’t spent lounging beside a pool drinking daiquiris but, painting our home. Not really much of a holiday, but it was great spending time together, something, due to our work rosters, is something that we don’t often get to do.

Not only did we colour our walls, we coloured our hair. I went Red Corvette, (by fudge, which unfortunately is only a semi- permanent, and fades way too quickly. If anyone knows of a colour similar to this but in a permanent I would be forever grateful)

IMG_1565
(excuse the eyebrows, I'm on holidays!)

Chad went stripey.......

IMG_1568

I’ll post pictures of the rooms we managed to get painted tomorrow, their still sitting in the camera and the battery is flat (sorry Rissa, I’m getting there though, at least the pictures have been taken!)

I also went to see a John Edward-sy kind of show the other week too. Her name is Charmaine Wilson and although I didn’t get “chosen”, it was entertaining none the less. We’d actually had a private reading done by her about 18 months ago which was quite freaky. My mum had booked her to come to her home, and as an afterthought, as most things are with my mum, we were invited along. There were about 8 people, including us, there.

When she finally got around to me, she asked me if I had lost a little boy recently. I told her no. ( I was actually 10 weeks pregnant with A.J. at the time) She said that she could see my Grandfather standing there, holding a baby boy in his arms. She wasn’t forthcoming with any further information, and that was pretty much it with my part of the reading.

4 weeks later we lost A.J. And although at the time we didn’t know that he indeed was a little boy (my waters had never broken and he came out in intact, still floating in in amniotic fluid, they wanted to sent the complete specimen away to pathology so we couldn’t tell at the time if he was a boy or a girl).

Was this a preminition on her part? Was she trying to warn us? Psychic mediums don’t usually pass on bad information like this, but was this her way of letting us know that although we were going to lose our little one, that he would be taken care of by my Grandfather?

Either way, it wasn’t until months later that I actually found some comfort in the fact that my baby may just be safe in the arms of my Grandfather, just like her vision.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Karma?

This is going to be a long LONG post, so I apologize in advance for boring the crap out of you all.

Many years ago, when I was just a young pup of 16, I found myself pregnant. His name was Aaron and we weren’t exactly a couple, we were just two people that managed to hook up at parties every weekend over a period of about 6 months. I was on the pill, and it was the 80’s, so needless to say, condoms weren’t high on our list of priorities.

I had an abortion at 8 weeks, something I was not proud of, but I knew I couldn’t raise a child at that age. It was the right thing to do for ME.

Fast forward 3 years and I’m involved with this guy called Adam. He was just perfect. Long dark hair, blue eyes, tattoos, unemployed and a drug addict. He was also one to dish out a bit of physical abuse every now and again. All in all he was a real catch. We’d been together all of 4 months, when I found myself pregnant again. I was on the pill, but the doctors described me as being “extremely fertile” ( who’d have thought??lol)

He’d sway between drug induced acceptance to withdrawal denial that he was the father. He told me he didn’t want to be with me, but I was not allowed to be with anyone else.... ever. He threatened to take the baby, he threatened to kill me. He was unstable, psychotic to a point, I didn’t want to be looking over my shoulder every day of my life. I didn’t want my child to have a father like that. So at 19, I had another abortion, this time, I did it for the baby.

At 20, I met Kev. He was sweet and adorable, didn’t have a drug problem, was employed and used his manners. He was everything that all of my previous boyfriends lacked. He was 24 and had just come out of a 7 year relationship with a girl named Liz.

Liz had well and truly broken his heart. She had tried for years to fall pregnant to him, it hadn’t worked. Things went from bad to worse, they moved into her parents place, he slept downstairs, she slept up, they hadn’t had sex for 6 months when she discovered she was pregnant. Kev isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, so he thought it was his. She did nothing to make him think otherwise. So while visiting her and the new baby girl in the hospital, his uncle pulls him aside and tells him it’s not his baby, but his cousin’s, who’d she’d been having an affair with for the past 12 months.

Although our romance moved swiftly, I was in no great hurry to start a family straight away. I was only 20, I had years ahead of me to do that sort of stuff. I wanted to spend some “us time”, getting to truly know each other. He knew I wanted kids, but was afraid that because of an operation for undescended testis when he was a child, and because of 7 years of unprotected sex with his ex that never produced and offspring, that he was unable to have children. I told him we could worry about that when the time comes.

At 24, the time came. We’d spent 4 years together and I had decided that I wanted to start trying. He wasn’t keen, but didn’t object when I went off the pill. I thought it would be a piece of cake, considering my “extremely fertile” diagnosis by the doctors years earlier.

25 came and went, so did 26 and by this time I was starting to get a little worried. I encouraged him to go for a sperm test, but he wasn’t interested. He did go as far as getting a referral from a doctor, but never actually “delivered the goods” so to speak.

27 came and I started talking about donor sperm. He wouldn’t even entertain the idea. I loved this man and wanted to have a family with him, but he didn’t want to raise ‘someone else’s baby“. If he couldn’t have a biological child, then he didn’t want one at all. I again suggest a SA, to see if IVF or the like was an option for us, but he just wasn’t interested.

I can’t remember exactly when it happened, but I think it must have been when I was around 26-27, Kev started a downward spiral into depression. He’d had a pretty fucked up childhood and it was at this time, that cracks began to show in our relationship. He’d always been a fairly unhappy person, but me doing as women do, thought that not only could I ”fix“ him, that I had enough ”happiness“ for the two of us. He didn’t want to leave the house, he didn’t want to entertain the idea of children, he wasn’t interested getting a job, or buying a house or getting a better car, he just wanted to stay home, smoke pot, play his playstation, look at porn and contemplate suicide. He didn’t want to see a psychiatrist , he didn’t want to take his medication, he didn’t want to feel better. He was quite content to be miserable.

Being happy for two was exhausting. I alienated my friends and family. I just didn’t have the emotional strength to put up the pretense of a happy healthy relationship. I had told him countless times that I couldn’t go on like this, that this isn’t how I wanted my life to be. I didn’t want to end up the fat old lady with a gaggle of cats milling around my ankles and spending Christmas alone. He didn’t care.

At around 28, I think I’d pretty much decided that it was over between us. I was afraid to leave in case it sent him over the edge. I know it sounds like I’m big noting myself, but I didn’t to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. That, and I guess I still had a tiny bit of hope that one day he’d wake up and be ”better“ and want to start a family with me. It never happened.

At 29, I fell in love with someone else. Kev was the one that encouraged us to spend time together. He was the one that sent us to the movies together, to the park with the dogs together. He sent us together because he thought it was ”safe“. Safe because blood would never do that. Your brother is someone to intrust your life with, and that of your partner’s. It wasn’t expected, it wasn’t how I wanted things to end with Kev. I’d wanted a clean break, I didn’t want to be added to the big list of people that had fucked him over during his life. But here I was, still living with him, but in love with someone else.

I kept waiting for the right time to tell him it was over, but there was never a right time to let him know that after nine years, I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I lied to him and told him there was no one else. I lied and told him that I wanted time to find ”me“ again.

For financial reasons, we shared the same house for 2 months, living in separate rooms, having daily D & M’s about what had gone wrong, what he could do to change things. I was exhausted.

He’d asked both of us on several occasions if anything was going on between us, which we stoutly refused. After breaking into Chad house and finding photos of us together, the truth was out. I moved into Dad’s that very day.

So fast forward to 6 months ago, after 2 1/2 years of death stares and bitter words, he finally gets himself a girlfriend, and from all reports, he’s doing alot better. I’m genuinely happy for him. For him to be happy is all I ever wanted. I hadn’t been able to, so I was glad that someone could.

She is an older lady of about 43 (he’s 37 now), has a couple of grown kids and although she’d been bad mouthing me a bit, I really didn’t care, because she was making Kev happy.

So imagine my surprise when the friendly security guard at work, Larry, says to me last night ”Did you see Val?“, which I had and thought she looked like she’d put on a fair bit of weight. I mentioned the ”chubby“ factor, and Larry says, ”well she is pregnant you know“

WHAT THE FUCK??????

I tell him that there is NO WAY that it could be KEV’S. He says it is, and not only is she pregnant now, but she also had a miscarriage to him not long after they first got together, some 6 months ago.

You almost had to pick me up off the floor.

*bitter rant about older women here, please turn away if you’re over 40, I don’t mean to offend you*

How the fuck is this humanly possible??? Well I know it’s possible, but WTF??? How on god’s green earth does this crusty old pre-menopausal woman who would have ovaries like dried up raisins manage to get knocked up by someone who apparently has a zero sperm count????

I know it can’t be ”us girls“ (Liz and I) who had the problems, Liz has 3 kids now and I’ve been pregnant twice in the past 18 months)

HOW THE FUCK???        

How the fuck could he not get either of us pregnant while our ovaries were in their prime but managed to get HER knocked up???

Of course I was upset, she looks at least 6 months pregnant, and Kev is going to be a dad, I presume, much to his duress no doubt, and here I am still waiting for mine!

I’ve got two theories.

1. He’s not actually the father.

2. She’s one of those insecure women who ”falls pregnant“ to try and keep her man then ”conveniently” loses the baby.

When I was told by Larry that she’s having a scan today because “things apparently aren’t going too well, and she wants to check for Downs because of her advanced maternal age” I nearly choked. The woman is 6 months pregnant, what the fuck is she going to do if it does have problems????
Larry laughed and said “don’t fret love, she’s only 11 weeks along, that all just fat”

I guess that made me feel a little better, but still.

Is this karma’s way of coming back to bite me in the arse??
Are my two loses “pay back” for the two babies I aborted??
Is Val’s pregnancy a way for the universe to punish me for screwing Kev over and falling in love with his brother?

This sucks.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Cervix Salon

Ok, what’s with all the coloured cervix searches?

First blue and now purple........


search.msn.com/results.aspx?q=purple cervix&FORM=MSNH&srch_type=0

I’m going to set the bar high and hope to have a search for every colour of the rainbow by the end of the year.

2 down, 5 to go