Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Cross your fingers

They’re stitching me up.
Cervical length 2.5cm with .5cm funneling.
I’m getting an epidural which I’m absolutely CRAPPING myself about.
Wish us luck..........

Monday, May 22, 2006

Every Niggle, Every Twinge

My apologies for this being so disjointed.

My universe is revolving around my uterus.
I notice every twinge, every niggle, every pull, every pain. Sometimes there is this “flick” feeling, like someone has flicked my cervix, and it takes my breath away.

I don’t know if this is normal. Is this normal??

Last time, I was so focused on if there was bleeding or not, that I didn’t take notice of anything else.

I’m almost too afraid to poop. I wait until it’s inevitable to go because I’m too afraid to push. The doctor told me I was being ridiculous and that I couldn’t “push the baby out”, but last time I only went to the loo for a pee and look what happened.

I’m so “wet” down there that it takes everything I have not to shove my hand down my pants every 10 minutes and check if it is just excessive CM or if I’m actually bleeding.....regardless where I am.

Although my last doctor said that we’d have weekly scans after 10 weeks, my new doctor didn’t think it was necessary. So I had my first scan 2 weeks ago at 10 weeks, and my next isn’t until next Monday, when I’ll be 13 weeks. The “normal” length of a cervix during pregnancy is between 3 and 5 cm. At 10 weeks, I was 2.9 cm, already shorter than “average”, only just, but still enough to to make me paranoid. I worry if some of this “discomfort” I feel is my cervix shortening and/or opening.

I’m paranoid that something is going to happen while I’m at work. I only work 5 hours a day (yes I’m a slack bitch), but those 5 hours are spent on my feet. I worry that this will have an effect on my cervix. I become so anxious before I leave for work that I make myself sick. I took Thursday and Friday off last week because I couldn’t deal with the fear.

Saturday was A.J’s second angel day. Last year, I was so tied up in my grief over losing Jessie that I did nothing to mark A.J’s first angel day. This year, I was too wrapped up in my uterus and my fears to truly acknowledge his passing. I wanted to visit the memorial garden and sit with him a spell, but I didn’t. I sat at home, lit a candle and told him how much he was missed. Theoretically, I know that this is really all I could do, but somehow it just didn’t seem enough.

So today marks 12 weeks. The day when normal pregnant women feel “safe”. I don’t feel safe.....not even the tiniest bit.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Something to lose

I’ve been walking around for the last 6 weeks in denial.

I’m not really “baking”.
There isn’t really a bun in there.

I’ve been afraid to believe.

Tuesday, we had our first ultrasound.
The real fear has kicked in.
Now there’s no denying it.
Now it’s real.
I should be happy, elated and overjoyed.
But I’m more scared than ever.

The fear is now tenfold.
Because now, I have something to lose.

img011

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Who's Laughing Now??

I originally wasn’t going to post this, seeing as all probably all think that I’m just some whinny, bitter, self absorbed person, with all the bitchy posts, but ppphhhtttt...... why have you think that I’m anything other than whinny, bitter and self absorbed? When you’re on a roll........

Anywho....... Chad’s friend Mark (that I mentioned here ) lives only 10 minutes away, but most of our conversations are carried out on MSN, as you do. And because Chad is a “hunt and peck” kind of guy, it’s usually left up to me to “chat” with him. We haven’t yet told them we are “baking”, there’s a long drawn out reason behind that, which I’ll go into another day, but for now, they have no idea.

So the other week I was chatting to him, and he was telling me how poor Nadine is soooooo sick, that she’s head down in the loo every 30 minutes and that she’s had to give up her part time job. I admit I had a bit of a giggle, and may have even uttered “suck shit”, but only to myself of course, because I’d hate for him to think I was jealous about their pregnancy. Only you guys get to witness how narky I really am.

Mark, being the walking contradiction that he is, tried to tell me, despite our last MSN conversation, that this baby was indeed planned and wasn’t an “oops” baby. I wanted to call him out and tell him to pull his head out of his arse, but, I was polite and let him waffle on.

I was under the assumption that Nadine was a lot further along when he’d told us as he’s not usually one to talk about anything. With Mark, everything falls under the “it’s too personal” header and he rarely talks, even to Chad, about relationship troubles, money worries or anything “personal”. Hence Chad thinking it must have been a HUGE deal when Mark discussed the thoughts of leaving Nadine because things were at breaking point just weeks before the “big announcement”.

Apparently, the pee hadn’t even dried on the stick before he was telling the world that he was going to be a daddy.

She is only 3 weeks ahead of me, due mid November.

Nadine is the kind of girl that wouldn’t dream of leaving the house without her hair and make-up done. She always is dressed like someone who’s just stepped out of a Cosmo magazine, always up to the minute when it comes to fashion. So when I saw them shopping the other night, I had to do a double take. Her hair was dank and matted, she was wearing a beaten up old cardigan and a pair of shorts that looked like they’d belonged to her father. There was not a trace of make-up and her skin was atrocious. She looked like crap. Definitely not the Nadine we were accustomed to seeing.

As shallow as it may sound, seeing her like that made me feel AMAZING! I’m by no means an oil painting, but I try and make myself look presentable (most days). Although being up with the fashions is out of the question because I would barely be able to squeeze my left tit into three quarters of cloths found in fashion magazines, I do try and wear nice-ish kinds of things, though I was in my work uniform at the time, so that kind of makes that point mute.

I felt fantastic, because, well, although I’ve had nausea, it’s been more like a constant hangover kind of feeling, I hadn’t actually lost my lunch, and have been able to function “normally”.

Until Sunday.............. (you so saw that coming didn’t you??)

Sunday I was so sick I had to leave work after only 3 hours. I spent the rest of the day with my head in the toilet.

Monday..........ditto

Tuesday wasn’t so bad. I’ve found that if I keep stuff going down, there’s less of a chance of things coming back up.

My lesson has been learnt.