What do rainbows taste like?

I overheard a woman in the checkout line telling her 6 month old baby girl.
She was sharing, open mouthed, slobbery baby kisses
“Your kisses taste like rainbows” she said
My heart just melted.
Working in a supermarket is the ultimate excuse to want to stay on birth control for the rest of your life.
It’s moments like these that, though few and far between, that keep me trying.
.........I want to taste rainbow kisses........

Just sex......

So Jill asked what we're doing in regards to trying to get ourselves knocked up...... well...... we're having sex.
That's it..... just sex.
No injections or pills, no magic herbal formulas, no accupunture, no nothing.
Just plain old, mostly poorly timed (because of our conflicting work schedules) sex.
Pretty interesting shit huh?
We had our follow up appointment for my hysteroscopy (which if you remember was last June) LAST WEEK!!! Yes, 9 months later. Thank fuck I didn't have anything terminal. Obviously, our public health system works a TREAT!
The doctor that I originally saw is no longer doing rotations up at the hospital, so I got to see a new doctor, Dr Narelle Mackay. A girl doctor who deals with girl things. I was most impressed.
Despite the fact that my big fat file was sitting in front of her, she took the time to talk to me about everything and re-took my history (big bonus points). She also gave me a pap smear (triple bonus points for warming the speculum) which apparently, just because I've had the greater population of Brisbane look at my snatch during the last 2 years, was overdue.
I also had a few more blood tests done, for PCOS (cause my sister has it, and I'm desperately searching for a medical reason for why my arse is so big) and some other test to check if I've ovulated or not.
Although technically we've been trying to have a baby for close to 3 years, and because we've only been trying for 6 months this time round (minus December when MIL visited and January because we just couldn't be arsed), we'll have to keep trying for another 6 months before Dr M will consider looking into things further, which I must say was a little disheartening.
But that's where we are......... exciting stuff isn't it??
Just a quick question..... can you get pregnant from giving blow-jobs?

Tuesday's Tanty

I thought I’d take one day of the week to have a little whine and chuck a tantrum about how unfair life is, with the hope that i’ll be able to start blogging more often without the “sooky/woe is me“ crap that I usually drone on about.

Today’s tantrum, ”Why the fuck can’t I be the one??“


Friday, I’m at work, I have these wonderful regular customer who are Brethren. You know the kind of people who wear denim skirts, wear their hair real long and those weird little kerchiefs on their heads. We’re merrily chatting away, when Ivory, who is 5, pops her head on the little ledge and says ”my mum’s pregnant“. ”Mum“ is a little embarrassed, (we’ve talked before about my losses, and also shared about her loss) says ”it’s still early days, anything can happen“. Which is true. This will be child number 6. SIX people!! SIX! Can we not say ”BIRTH CONTROL“???Talk about being greedy! The worst part is, when I asked if they’d been tossing up names, she said if it was a girl, they’d name her Harmony. They already have 2 daughters, their names, Ebony & Ivory. For the rest of the day I had Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney in my head. Having caused Stevie and Paul to spin continuously in my head all day is reason enough to want to throw a pie in this woman’s face.

Friday just kept getting better.....

After lunch, another regular customer, lets call her Kitty. Kitty is married, to an interstate truck driver. Kitty has a lover, because, you know, women have needs (and yes I’m rolling my eyes). Last year, Kitty sends her unruly 16 year old down to live with ”lover“ because she has become too much of a handful. 16 year old falls pregnant to Lover ( who is 40)and has a little boy. Kitty also has a 12 year old boy who has been expelled from every school in the area, who doesn’t come home for days at a time, smokes pot, drinks, steals, you get the picture. She asks me if I’ve seen him lately as he hasn’t been home for 4 days, shrugs when I tell her I haven’t, and says ”Oh, well, he’ll come home when he’s hungry“ like he’s some sort of dog. Kitty then tells me how her 15 year old, slightly retarded daughter (who also doesn’t live at home) was ”forced“ to remove the birth-control bar from her arm by her 19 year old boyfriend, hence winding up pregnant, much to Kitty’s disgust. Kitty is appalled, unable to understand how all this could happen....she says all this while rubbing her ginormous belly(she was also bewildered at how she herself ended up pregnant being 35 and all) that is currently occupied by baby number 8. EIGHT people!!!!! EIGHT!!!! For the love of GD, someone sterilize this woman!

So on to Saturday.... they say things come in three’s........

Chad has friends, Mark and Nadine (not their real names of course). They have a toxic relationship, always fighting, never happy, but stay together because, it’s all they know. They’ve been together for 7 years, she has a 9 year old son from a previous......I want to say relationship, but I’m guessing it was more of an ”encounter“. Mark is rarely allowed to socialize with his friends, though Nadine goes out night clubbing at least twice a week, coming home drunk at ridiculous hours. She spends stupid amounts of money on clothes and shoes and the kid has every toy ever invented. Their house is disgusting, they have a minagerie of pets, 3 cats, 2 dogs. I went to pick Chad up from there one night after they’d had few (read ALOT) beers, it was 3am, I was wearing my pj’s and fluffy monster slippers, as you do, I walked from the front door to the spare room where Chad had passed out (it was all of maybe 10 meters) and I got bitten by 3 fleas. The next day, we were still being bitten, the fleas had hitched a ride on my fluffy monster slippers and were now infesting my home, my dog, and even the damn car! I ended up giving them some flea stuff for the animals, but they never go around to using it....... BLUCK!!!
Anywho........About 6 months ago, they got caught rorting the system, she had been claiming the single parents pension while living with Mark (who is gainfully employed). From what we can work out, she would have claimed close to $100,000 over the last 7 years, which they will now have to pay back. This meant Nadine had to go out and get herself a job, which she did, and works most weekends, which leaves Mark looking after the kid, but able to ”play with his mates“. Saturday afternoon, Chad went down the the basketball courts to shoot some hoops, I saw Mark on MSN and told him that he was more than welcome to drop ”the kid“ off here and go down and play with Chad for a couple of hours if he wanted to. He declined, saying that he was picking up his sister from the airport. He then casually mentioned that they were going to be getting another housemate.
”You’re getting ANOTHER dog???“ like the flea infestation wasn’t quite cutting it and they had to take it to another level.
”No, another human“. Oh, you’re moving someone in to help pay the rent as you’re in so much financial trouble.
”Who, Kate?“ (his sister)
”No, someone smaller“
”Huh??........ oh gd, is Nadine pregnant??“
”Lol, yeah, much to my surprise“ his surprise yes, her’s, I doubt very much, perfect way to trap the bloke who’s been talking about leaving you lately
”Congrats, how far along is she“
”Not sure, a couple of weeks we think, she only had the bar taken out of her arm a month ago“ are you that fucking stupid to think that you COULDN”T get pregnant now that she wasn’t using any form of birth control???
“Cool” me...lost for words...
“Yeah, another mouth to feed” cause you guys can SO afford it can’t you, maybe Johnny Howard will take pity on you now and forget about the $100,000 you ripped off.
“Maybe being pregnant will keep Nadine at home and off the grog...lol. I’d better go, talk soon” I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her....

As Chad said, I can’t expect everybody to wait until we’re pregnant, which is true, but why the fuck can’t we have an “oops baby”? Why the fuck does everything have to be so damn fucking hard?

WTF?

I rarely visit my own blog, hence not noticing till now that the posts I’ve made over the last few weeks haven’t actually been posted.
I thought that using this wizz bang Mac Journal thingy would make it all so much easier........ apparently not.

The journal

I’m usually pretty rat-shit at keeping secrets (and no it’s not the bun in the oven kind of secret).
My big secret is that it was my birthday back in December, the 5th.
Though I usually get pretty pumped about having a special day all about me, last year’s was the beginning of a slow decline into a place that isn’t so nice.
The day before my 32nd birthday, the previous year, I found out I was pregnant with Jesse. Who could have asked for a better gift? So last year’s birthday was the beginning of the “this time last year” scenarios.

This birthday, my mother gave me a journal. On the front in a little blurb that says,

A remarkable woman
The warmth,
The wisdom,
A life worth living,
recording and
remembering.
An authentic journey
Her moments.
Her memories.
Her compassion.
Her courage.
Her journal.

This is her life,
Celebrate her.

I cried when I read this. Not because I thought that it was touching that my mother thinks that I am remarkable, or that she thought writing might help me with my grief, but because the “me” I am now, isn’t worth celebrating. I’m not filled with warmth, or compassion, and I have shown very little courage.

I want to be that person, but I’m not.

I want to have compassion and show courage. I want to have a journey that is worth remembering, worth writing about............. worth celebrating.

I’m bitter and angry about the women I see every day who seem to be able to have babies with such ease. Some of who are now on to their second, third or even fourth pregnancies, since I started out on this journey.

But I just can’t seem to get past how much this all still hurts.