Crystals

When I was in grade 3, there was a girl in my class by the name of Majella. She had long brown hair that was always in plaits and freckles. One day, she knelt beside my desk and whispered “Do you want to be my best friend?”. It took everything I had at 7 years of age to fight back the tears. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and said “Yes”. I don’t remember much else from that year, I’m not even sure if we played together all that much. After that year, she transfered to a different school and I never heard from her again.

I’ve always been an overly emotional person. I’ve always tried to (but usually failed miserably) hide these emotions and give the impression that I’m a “tough girl”. I swear to much, I’m sometimes mean. I try keeping people at arms length so they don’t see how emotionally weak I am.

My weakest moments are when someone shows me kindness, whether it be a small gift or encouraging words, I find myself feeling overwhelmed by emotions.

I have no problems with giving gifts or showing my appreciation (even if it’s just a heartfelt thank you), it’s when the tables are turned that I get a little weepy.


This past week has seen me blubbering twice at people’s kindness.

A regular customer, who thought I was looking a little down, gave me a Giant Freddo. I got a little teary, and she chuckled “it’s just a frog!”. But it wasn’t just a chocolate frog. It was kindness and love wrapped up in a small token gift and it meant so much to me.

Two days latter, one of the ladies I work with handed me a tiny parcel. I don’t know her all that well, we work in different departments, I work the late shift and she works the late LATE shift. Our conversations have been sporadic but I really enjoy talking with her.

I opened this tiny parcel to find this....



A hand made crystal bracelet and a note describing what each one is for.

AMETHYST:
Enhances divine connection; great meditation tool; promotes spiritual inner peace, honesty, concentration; stimulates inspiration, stability and strength; helps control addictive habits. Aids healing in the areas of the ears, bones, lungs, digestive system, respiratory tract, skin, diarrhea, swelling; encourages sobriety, relieves headaches and eases minor aches and pains.

CARNELIAN:
Promotes action, courage, helpfulness; stops confusion, inner attunement, cleanses, purifies, opens the heart, lifts emotions, protects from envy and fear and provides perceptiveness. Aids healing in the areas of gall bladder, kidney function, infertility, rheumatism and relieving cramps; stimulates the absorption of vitamins; ensures good blood circulation.

GARNET:
Promotes new beginnings, sexuality, prosperity; ends crisis; helps cope with daily problems; feminine strength, compassion, courage, attraction; eliminates energy blocks and taboos; encourages self-confidence and creativity. Aids healing in the areas of cell regeneration, immune system, arthritis and bones; accelerates wound healing, stimulates metabolism and circulation; anti inflammatory.

MOONSTONE:
Increases clairvoyance and depth of feeling and love; balances life cycles (ying yang); encourages lucid dreams and better intuition. Aligns emotions with higher self. Female power stone. Brings good fortune. Aids healing in the areas of menstrual cramps and balances internal hormone cycles to enhance fertility in women.

RHODONITE:
Encourages forgiveness; brings love and passion into action, reduces emotional imbalance, gives self confidence, strengthens friendships, promotes serenity, solves conflicts, eases trauma and bestows spiritual maturity. Aids healing in the areas of the heart, lessens scars and helps with fertility problems.

ROSE QUARTZ:
Rose Quartz is the stone of "gentle love" bringing peacefulness and calm. It also promotes beauty, purification, recovery, angelic dreams, well being, self-love, self confidence, romance and sensuality. Aids healing in the areas of depression, blood circulation, heart fortification, sexual problems and encourages fertility.

I now wear it every day, not so much for their healing possibilities, but as a gentle reminder as to how very lucky I am.

I truly am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

My Cevix Needs Prozac

Latest google search that had someone stumble across this blog

“what makes a cervix blue”

Now I know that my cervix may be a little incompetent, a little incorporative and may be even a smidge irrational at times, but I don’t think she’s sad.

But then, maybe she is. Maybe that’s the problem behind all this infertility stuff. My cervix is depressed and gloomy.

Could it be that I just haven't told her how much I adore her, or how pretty she is? Or how much she's wanted and needed, because truth be told, everybody likes to be told every once in a while.

Maybe I should buy her a nice bunch of flowers to cheer her up.

Not all Fertiles are Asshats

Case and point, my dear friend Lisa Grace.

While I’ve watched her grow into an amazing young woman, she still astounds me with how beautiful her soul truly is.

Recently, she wrote to Marie Claire magazine in response to an article on miscarriage. You can read her letter here (her’s is the second response to the initial letter, it starts with “My Mother.....”)

Unlike my friend, let’s call her “Rachel” (who has 3 children, all one year apart), who, when told about us losing Jesse, proved herself to be a total fuckwit when she said “I know I should be greatful, but my kids gave me the shits tonight, and I nearly left home.  I sometimes envey people like you, who have the freedom to do what they like”

(excuse me for a second while I go and puke in my hat)

Ok, so anywho, back to my dear sweet LG. Being the wonderful friend she is, she thought she’d try and source some info that she thought might be helpful.

She found this ...... (it takes awhile to load, but is so worth the wait)

I especially liked the tips on how to eat slivers of liver.....mmmm.....now that’s some tasty shit.

Do You Want a Piece of Cake?

Is what my sister asked me as I walked down the stairs to do my washing this morning (we need to walk down the internal stairs and through her “house” to get to the laundry).

Never one to turn down cake, especially one of the chocolate variety, I of course said yes, though wondered why on earth she’d be offering me cake at this time of the morning. It was 9:45, and unlike me, I’d just crawled out of bed.

I thought that it must be a fan-fucking-tastic chocolate cake if she was so willing to share.

H: Do you want some chocolate topping with that?
(hmmm.... why on earth would I want chocolate topping on chocolate cake??)
Me: uummm, no thanks
She hands me the cake, it looks as dry as the Sahara, maybe I should have taken the topping.... or a glass of milk..... or a shot of bourbon.
H: uummm.... I have something to tell you
M: with cake in my mouth, raise an eyebrow and wonder what it is, for a split second I thought she was going to tell me she’s pregnant, but that’s just crazy now isn’t it??
H: M (our cousin) had her baby this morning
M: Oh, that’s nice
H: it’s a boy, 7lb something
M: Oh.....
H: Are you ok?
M: feeling not the slightest bit of anything, not happiness, not anger, not jealousy, zero..... Yeah... I’m ok.

Yesterday I pee’d on a stick, the last one from my swag of 20 that I purchased from ebay 3 cycles ago. Yep.... all of them, gone.

Only one line came up......again.

My periods are due today..... and still nothing. I fell bloated, and sick, and PMS-ie.

Maybe it’s just that horrid chocolate cake repeating on me.

Going Stag

I’m surprised as what people will do to avoid spending time with me these days.

Saturday night, I was suppose to go to a friend’s 30th birthday party with my friend Paula.

I tried for hours to contact her to see what time we were leaving, and to see what she was wearing, it was a Hip-Hop theme party and I didn’t want to go fancy dress and look like a complete dick if she wasn’t going to dress up too.

I tried her at home...... no answer
Her mobile....... no answer
Her work....... she’s not there.

After 4 hours, and a serious bout of low self esteem creeping in, wondering if I truly was painful to be around seeing as my whole world revolves around perfectly timed sex and pee sticks, I finally found her.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that she’d gone to the extreme to avoid me. She’d gone and had a fucking STROKE and was in hospital.*

So off to the party I went, all alone.

In days gone by, this wouldn’t have worried me. I would have had a couple of drinks and introduced myself to everyone, and generally felt quite comfortable to be in a room full of strangers, flapping my gums and telling amusing stories.

Not this time. After a failed attempt to join in a conversation with a group of women (who all obviously knew each other) I found myself hulled up in a corner talking with the birthday girl’s father and step-mother and sipping water (cause we’re in that damn 2ww AGAIN and you can never be too careful can you??)

After 3 hours and countlessly having to ask the step-mum to repeat what she said (she’s Phillipino and combined with Eminem blaring from the stereo I had a hard time understanding her) I admitted defeat and told the birthday girl I was going home.

So now I can add “socializing with strangers” as another thing that infertility has stripped me of. When will it end? What else is left of me for it to take? My sanity? Some days I feel as though I’m dangerously close to losing that too. I want to scream FUCK YOU at the top of my lungs and let the bastard know that it’s not going to take all that I have, but I just don’t have the breath to do it.

* Paula is doing fine, it was a minor stroke, dangerous all the same, but not as serious as it could have been. She has no residual effects and is hopefully coming home today.

1001 Hairstyles

I really wanted to post the “Virtual House” for Rissa, but that would mean I’d have to clean...... and anybody that knows me knows about my strong aversion to cleaning.....bluck!

So I’m out to get brownie points from my favourite accountant.....

This is for you Lisa Grace....

Chad has naturally frizzy hair, you couldn’t call it curly, because it doesn’t..... it just frizzes, poor bastard.

So when I first met Chad, he was about 16ish, I don’t have pictures of it, but he had this shaved head with this little foof of curls at the front. Not pretty.

Years later, when we “reconnected”, it was just as bad, but not long after he moved on to this.....




about 3 hair cuts later, the blonde was gone and we had......



Things went crazy after that.

We moved in together in December 2002 and things just went ape shit from there....

For the first year, he had “boy band hair”



At the end of 2003, he decided that he wanted corn rows, which meant growing his hair......eeekkk



he finally achieved them



but then decided to spice it up by going blue......




the colour eventually washed out, but his employers weren’t impressed with his “ethnic look” and not wanting to chop the hair, he went with the slick look



A million tubs of hair gel and other products, he finally had a gut full and went back to “boy band” .

In the last 4-5 months, we’ve gone from



to......



and as of 3 weeks ago.....



the “Vanilla Ice” cut with blonde tips (which are actually purple in the picture but has since washed out)

So there you go....... the man of my dreams and his kooky hair.

Rissa.....I promise I’ll clean up over the weekend.....maybe..... but for now I know you'll enjoy having a perv....

Tell me what you want, what you really really want

Bali..........I can’t believe it has happened again. What is this world coming to? Why do these religious groups feel the need to kill and maim? Where is the love, the compassion, the kindness towards others? The bombings were aimed at “westeners”, yet the lives of so many Balinese were lost, not only in this spate of bombings, but also back in 2002. . How is it possible that Shapel Corby can get 25 years for “trafficking” drugs, yet someone who financially supports, plans and perpetrates the murder of more than 200 people gets only 2 and a half years?? How is it that the police can spot 2 pills in a hand bag but can’t spot 3 suicide bombers?? The JI did not succeed in sending a message to “westeners”, what they inevitably have done is caused the economic destruction of their own country. There is no “glory” in killing innocent people.

My heart goes out to those families who’s lives have been touched by this tragedy.

..................................................................................................................

So what’s been happening with me..... well not alot. I’m at a bit of a loss lately as to what to write about, so I thought I’d leave it up to you guys to decide.


The Love Story..................the episode of Springer you missed
You’ll Have To Wait............the very short, yet amusing most recent conversation with my sister
Snatch and Grab............... Friday night at the supermarket

Stories with pictures

The Powder Room........... nothing like you expected
Red Red Red............ ways to celebrate another failed cycle
Virtual House............ a virtual tour of our newish home
Oh My God............ the 1001 hairstyles of The Chad

The choice is yours folks..........