Monday, October 10, 2005

Going Stag

I’m surprised as what people will do to avoid spending time with me these days.

Saturday night, I was suppose to go to a friend’s 30th birthday party with my friend Paula.

I tried for hours to contact her to see what time we were leaving, and to see what she was wearing, it was a Hip-Hop theme party and I didn’t want to go fancy dress and look like a complete dick if she wasn’t going to dress up too.

I tried her at home...... no answer
Her mobile....... no answer
Her work....... she’s not there.

After 4 hours, and a serious bout of low self esteem creeping in, wondering if I truly was painful to be around seeing as my whole world revolves around perfectly timed sex and pee sticks, I finally found her.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that she’d gone to the extreme to avoid me. She’d gone and had a fucking STROKE and was in hospital.*

So off to the party I went, all alone.

In days gone by, this wouldn’t have worried me. I would have had a couple of drinks and introduced myself to everyone, and generally felt quite comfortable to be in a room full of strangers, flapping my gums and telling amusing stories.

Not this time. After a failed attempt to join in a conversation with a group of women (who all obviously knew each other) I found myself hulled up in a corner talking with the birthday girl’s father and step-mother and sipping water (cause we’re in that damn 2ww AGAIN and you can never be too careful can you??)

After 3 hours and countlessly having to ask the step-mum to repeat what she said (she’s Phillipino and combined with Eminem blaring from the stereo I had a hard time understanding her) I admitted defeat and told the birthday girl I was going home.

So now I can add “socializing with strangers” as another thing that infertility has stripped me of. When will it end? What else is left of me for it to take? My sanity? Some days I feel as though I’m dangerously close to losing that too. I want to scream FUCK YOU at the top of my lungs and let the bastard know that it’s not going to take all that I have, but I just don’t have the breath to do it.

* Paula is doing fine, it was a minor stroke, dangerous all the same, but not as serious as it could have been. She has no residual effects and is hopefully coming home today.


Blogger Angie said...

I am glad Paula is doing fine. Sorry the party was a pooper.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

Wow, that's scary that your freind had a stroke and I'm glad she's ok.

You'd never in a thousand years be able to fully list all the things that go tits up when your fertility fucks you over would you? It's so wrong to lose yourself as well as your babies:( I guess that is a part of the loss that gets overlooked - it's not just the baby who is lost, it's you and the dads.

Take it easy ok? Where abouts in the tww are you?

1:40 PM  
Blogger Chan said...

Hey Jill, I'm only half way through it... *sigh*

3:38 PM  
Blogger MC said...

Two week waits, I don't know how many times I've given up alcohol etc "just in case".

Hope your friend is feeling alright.

4:11 PM  

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