Saturday, September 03, 2005

None the less

***Graphic post. Please know that it not my intention to offend or shock. I just wanted his story to be told*******


We were getting ready for bed, he’d just gone down stairs to grab some clothes off the line. I’d just sat down on the toilet and felt a gush of water and something slide out of me. I’d had this feeling before. I’d passed a massive clot the size of a liver just before losing AJ.
Another clot? It couldn’t possibly be. There’d been no warnings, no pain, no bleeding like last time. I didn’t want to look. I couldn’t look. I had to look.
There was our baby.


I could hear his footsteps up the back steps.


I stood up, blood gushing down my leg.

The baby..... I’ve just lost the baby.

He held me

What do you mean?

The baby, it just fell, I’m sorry angel, I’m so so sorry.

Are you sure?

I pointed to the toilet. I could barely look again.

We need to..... I can’t..... please get our baby.

I couldn’t watch as he knelt down and fished out our tiny baby.
The silence.....
The deafening silece......
The warmth of the blood flowing down my legs.
I couldn’t look at him.
I didn’t want to see contempt in his eyes.
This was my fault.
My body.
My fault.
Because I smoked.
My fault.
Because I was over weight.
My fault.
My body.
My crappy body.
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.
I remained calm. Removed. Detached.
I peered over his shoulder. His right shoulder. His right hand held our tiny baby. I reached out and moved that tiny leg.

A boy........ our little boy.

What do we do now?

The blood, I’m bleeding, we’re going to have to go to the hospital.

I reach out and touch our tiny son’s chest. He’s still warm.
I grab a towel and hold it between my legs.
I call the ER.
He sits on the arm of the couch. He stares at his son.
We need something to put him on.
I get him a tea towel, clean from the draw.
Standing in the middle of the lounge room.
He ever so carefully moves him to the makeshift blanket.
We stand, like in a family portrait. Me by his side, him holding his son.
Then. Unbelievably.
Our baby stretches out his tiny arm. It’s almost like a last desperate hope to be saved.

He’s still alive Chan, quick, call the ambulance, he’s still alive Chan, he’s still alive!

The agony in his voice. The despair.

There’s nothing they can do, he’s too little, it’s too early.....

Why am I so calm, why am I so impassive?
I try calling my Dad. His home, his mobile, his work number. No answer.
I have a shower.
He holds his son, studying every inch of his tiny body.
I call my Mum, I get my sister. I tell her we’re on our way to the hospital.
He needs to get dressed.
I wander through the house, holding our son like he was a new born, cradled in my arm.

I’m sorry..... I’m sorry...... I’m sorry......I love you..... please know I love you....

He drives. Our son in my lap. I stare out the window, detached, too afraid to look down.

Why? The ultra sound two days ago....... everything was perfect...... why....14 weeks.... I really thought everything was going to be ok.....this time......

I don’t know.....

Did you see his tiny fingernails?

Yes angel..... I did....


The hospital. Incompetent. Insensitive.
He holds our son as I hop on to the bed.

And what makes you think you’ve had a miscarriage?

Can you not see our son???
The bleeding won’t stop.
He holds my hand. He holds our son.
They poke and prod. No pain relief.
He listens as I beg them to stop.
She comes and takes our son away.
They consult.
I can see our son, across the corridor, in a jar of formaldehyde, on the bench. I don’t draw his attention to it.
Emergency D & C.
He waits.
He’s the first thing I see when I wake up.

I love you

The first thing I hear.
He holds my hand through to the early hours of the morning. He sleeps with his head rested on my bed.
He’s told to leave as the sun comes up.
Women’s ward..... think of the others....... don’t want to wake up with a man in the room......women’s ward.
He leaves. His son. His love.
He goes home to an empty house.
He sleeps.

Later. I’m home. Mum, Dad, sister leave.
We’re alone.
We talk.
We cry. He holds me.
It’ll be ok. We still have each other.
He’s sorry.
For not understanding how hard it was for me when we lost AJ.
Just a blob on an ultra sound picture. He didn’t get to see him. Hold him. It didn’t seem real. The first time.
He is my rock. Even though his heart is shattered.
He gives me hope. Next time. It will happen. We will have a baby.
He purges me of my guilt.
He soothes my soul.
And he loves me.

Two days later. A shopping center.
Strollers, prams, pregnant bellies
Heading home, he turns to me.

Out of all those babies that I saw today, none of them was a beautiful as Jesse.

A tear falls.
I reach for his hand.
I love you.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day.
He’s a father..... twice over.
He’s a Dad to two boys.
Two boys who he will never be able to teach how to play basketball or change the oil on a car. Who he will never hear giggle and laugh at his silly antics. Who will never feel how unbelievably safe it feels to be wrapped in his arms.
He is a father none the less.

I just wish it was different......


Blogger MC said...

Beautiful post Chan, I can't stop bawling.

4:40 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Oh, Jesus Chan. I'm so sorry for what you went through. And of course for what Chad went through. I wish there was more to say that could make a difference, just know you guys are thought of often and will certainly be tomorrow ((hugs)).

6:49 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Oh Chan... Chan... Chan... I grieve with you and Chad.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Lisa P. said...

This is so wonderfully written. I just wish you hadn't had to write it. (((hugs)))

p.s., thanks for blogrolling me... I didn't know! I'll add you as well.

3:09 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

OH Chan, my heart breaks for you both.

6:29 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I hope Chad is able to find some peaceful moments on Father's Day. I'm so so sorry for everything you both have been through. I wish there was something more I could say to soothe the hurt.

10:39 AM  
Blogger Em said...

Chan, that was amazingly honest and a beautiful tribute to your son.

10:11 PM  
Blogger Jenna said...

What a great tribute on Father's Day, I am sure this was so hard to write, even harder to live. I am so sorry that you have gone through this.
Wish there was more to say.

1:52 AM  
Anonymous korin said...

Just came to your blog. I'm so very very sorry for your losses. So very sorry.

2:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Channy, you are one of the greatest and most amazing people in the world. You and Chad are meant to be and you have two gorgeous gardian angels watching over you. They will join you soon sweetie.

4:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Channy, you are one of the greatest and most amazing people in the world. You and Chad are meant to be and you have two gorgeous gardian angels watching over you. They will join you soon sweetie.

4:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Channy, you are a wonderful and amazing person and you and Chad are just the most amazing couple. You have two beautiful gardian angels who will join you in person, for a very long time soon.
Love you, Rissa.

4:31 AM  
Blogger April said...

That was heartbreakingly beautiful.

Thank you for sharing your story.

My heart is so heavy for you.

4:33 AM  
Blogger K said...

I just found this. You have touched and moved me in a way I cannot describe. Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

7:12 AM  

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