Monday, August 15, 2005

Survivor's Guilt

Since the arrival of J's baby, I'd been having a bit of a hard time. The emptiness I felt what so overwhelming, I found myself crying oh too often mostly at improper times and in inappropriate places.

Thursday morning, I woke up and had such a feeling of calm about me. Gone was the feeling of emptiness, the sadness, the despondency. In it's place was a certainty that everything was going to be ok. It was almost like someone had whispered in my ear while I slept, reasuring me everything was going to be alright.

So I emailed J and told her I'd be over on Monday.....today.

This morning I met little Wyatt. I held him and yes I shed a tear, but it was nothing like I had dreaded. I didn't feel an overwhelming urge to run away with him. I didn't resent him. He was just a tiny little baby...... someone else's baby..... he wasn't my baby.

While we talked over coffee, she mentioned that her sister, D, was also having a hard time dealing with it all. D was diagnosed with blighted ovum at her 12 week scan. J and I were 7 weeks along at the time.

J cried, because, although she loves her new son, she can't help but feel guilty that out of the three of us, her baby was the only one that will ever get to run in the sunshine. She feels bad because Wyatt is baby number 5 for her, D only has one son, and me.... well we know the score on that one.

For the first time in a long time I was able to tell her with confidence, that it was all going to be ok.......that it was all going to be alright.

5 Comments:

Blogger Drew said...

Chan you are incredibly brave - I guess with miscarriages it takes time for body and mind to heal. The fact it worked for you is already a plus - I hope your dreams come true for you one day!

4:20 PM  
Blogger MC said...

I wish I was as brave as you. I have a friend due today and my SIL in 2 weeks time. I'm in a two week wait and not feeling to hopeful. I don't know how I'll hold it together when I visit them.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

Wow Chan, you are so incredibly brave and strong. You really are an inspiration to many of us. I am so glad you are feeling better and hope this continues for you.

10:42 PM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I'm coming out of lurkdom on your blog to say thank you for posting this. It gave me a little bit of hope for today.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Chan, you have given me such hope for my meeting today. You are very gracious and I bet your friend was so grateful for the way you were:)

6:53 AM  

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