Monday, May 22, 2006

Every Niggle, Every Twinge

My apologies for this being so disjointed.

My universe is revolving around my uterus.
I notice every twinge, every niggle, every pull, every pain. Sometimes there is this “flick” feeling, like someone has flicked my cervix, and it takes my breath away.

I don’t know if this is normal. Is this normal??

Last time, I was so focused on if there was bleeding or not, that I didn’t take notice of anything else.

I’m almost too afraid to poop. I wait until it’s inevitable to go because I’m too afraid to push. The doctor told me I was being ridiculous and that I couldn’t “push the baby out”, but last time I only went to the loo for a pee and look what happened.

I’m so “wet” down there that it takes everything I have not to shove my hand down my pants every 10 minutes and check if it is just excessive CM or if I’m actually bleeding.....regardless where I am.

Although my last doctor said that we’d have weekly scans after 10 weeks, my new doctor didn’t think it was necessary. So I had my first scan 2 weeks ago at 10 weeks, and my next isn’t until next Monday, when I’ll be 13 weeks. The “normal” length of a cervix during pregnancy is between 3 and 5 cm. At 10 weeks, I was 2.9 cm, already shorter than “average”, only just, but still enough to to make me paranoid. I worry if some of this “discomfort” I feel is my cervix shortening and/or opening.

I’m paranoid that something is going to happen while I’m at work. I only work 5 hours a day (yes I’m a slack bitch), but those 5 hours are spent on my feet. I worry that this will have an effect on my cervix. I become so anxious before I leave for work that I make myself sick. I took Thursday and Friday off last week because I couldn’t deal with the fear.

Saturday was A.J’s second angel day. Last year, I was so tied up in my grief over losing Jessie that I did nothing to mark A.J’s first angel day. This year, I was too wrapped up in my uterus and my fears to truly acknowledge his passing. I wanted to visit the memorial garden and sit with him a spell, but I didn’t. I sat at home, lit a candle and told him how much he was missed. Theoretically, I know that this is really all I could do, but somehow it just didn’t seem enough.

So today marks 12 weeks. The day when normal pregnant women feel “safe”. I don’t feel safe.....not even the tiniest bit.

11 Comments:

Blogger Hoping said...

if at all possible I would get back into the doc's before next Monday, just to calm your fears and to ask about the "flick" on your cervix....I know they don't allow you to come in early...at least mine didn't but I wish I had put up more of a fight.

your babe looks great on that pic! hoping and thinking good thoughts for you.

10:25 AM  
Blogger DD said...

The flick may be your uterus stretching. I'm sure that's not enough info to let you stop worrying, but that's what I would like to think.

Once we suffer a loss, no matter how late or early, it just seems like we hold our breaths the whole time.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Kate said...

The uterus does some weird stuff when you're pg, and because I would be worried too even if I was 39 weeks and 6 days pg, I am just sending a big ol' hug.

Hang in there sweetie!

Kate

12:47 PM  
Blogger babiesinjapan said...

I had those flicking feelings lots with all three of my pregnancies. THe first few times with my first one weirded me out too - we just sooooo want it to all work don`t we? Who cares if your doctor thinks you are being ridiculous - go see him/her and ask questions - they are paid right? And if it makes you feel more at ease it`s worth it!

8:48 PM  
Anonymous Lola Badeggs said...

I get the flicking, too, for what that's worth (I'm nearly 8 weeks, but, hey, who knows if it's still actually alive... but I digress).

I will keep everything crossed for you. I hope that you are able to find some comfort from your next scan.

11:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, hope all goes well. I totally understand your fear at every niggle. I hope you have an amazing boss who also understands. Hang in there chickey and see you soon. Millions of hugs and kisses, Rissa.
P.S. Happy belated andel day for AJ.

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

I am sorry you are so worried. Thats blows. MY first preg was totally normal except for a previa which cleared up at week 34 and now one my second I am 16 weeks and I also feel tons of weird pains and cramping and pressure. The doctor says everything is normal so as much as it worries me I think she is right. Still it sucks I have to wait till 20 weeks for the next ultrasound and havent had one since 6 weeks. Sigh.

2:05 PM  
Blogger Jill said...

Well now, I was a complete basket case at the start of this one and decided to just surrender my dignity up front and explain that I was in fact a basket case and why and what I would need from the OB.

Look, your experience of pregnancy is that they fail, and usually at around this point. There's not much point in approaching this with little more than optimism and your doc needs to know what you are experiencing. You need solid, visual reassurance until you get a cerclage or doppler (or whatever you need). It's hard to assert yourself when you are so scared, but see how it goes ok?

Please know everything you are feeling is normal from fear to cervical pings (they will become shocks later that will make you jump!). Take care:)

10:48 AM  
Blogger Sami said...

I think you have every right to be fearful and I think your doc needs a kick to the pants... in all seriousness... your losses have been awful and for a doctor to not put on kid gloves and treat you as someone who has had that experience is just plain awful. I'd call... if only for your piece of mind and say please can I have a scan weekly until you do the cerclage or whatever you are going to do? Worst case scenario he or she says no. Know I'm thinking of you in the meantime...

2:04 AM  
Blogger Molly said...

You are sooo funny!!! I was laughing out loud b/c I am doing the same things you are/were...afraid to poop, sticking my hands down my pants every 10 minutes to check if all is okay, etc!!! I had 4 D&C's last year (for ONE miscarriage!!!) so my new doc is concerned about an incompetent cervix. I am 15 weeks and my cervical length is 2.9cm. I am soo nervous also but my doc doesn't want to do the cerclage unless it is absolutely necessary. What was the outcome???

6:17 AM  
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9:57 AM  

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