Friday, November 04, 2005


This is going to be a long LONG post, so I apologize in advance for boring the crap out of you all.

Many years ago, when I was just a young pup of 16, I found myself pregnant. His name was Aaron and we weren’t exactly a couple, we were just two people that managed to hook up at parties every weekend over a period of about 6 months. I was on the pill, and it was the 80’s, so needless to say, condoms weren’t high on our list of priorities.

I had an abortion at 8 weeks, something I was not proud of, but I knew I couldn’t raise a child at that age. It was the right thing to do for ME.

Fast forward 3 years and I’m involved with this guy called Adam. He was just perfect. Long dark hair, blue eyes, tattoos, unemployed and a drug addict. He was also one to dish out a bit of physical abuse every now and again. All in all he was a real catch. We’d been together all of 4 months, when I found myself pregnant again. I was on the pill, but the doctors described me as being “extremely fertile” ( who’d have thought??lol)

He’d sway between drug induced acceptance to withdrawal denial that he was the father. He told me he didn’t want to be with me, but I was not allowed to be with anyone else.... ever. He threatened to take the baby, he threatened to kill me. He was unstable, psychotic to a point, I didn’t want to be looking over my shoulder every day of my life. I didn’t want my child to have a father like that. So at 19, I had another abortion, this time, I did it for the baby.

At 20, I met Kev. He was sweet and adorable, didn’t have a drug problem, was employed and used his manners. He was everything that all of my previous boyfriends lacked. He was 24 and had just come out of a 7 year relationship with a girl named Liz.

Liz had well and truly broken his heart. She had tried for years to fall pregnant to him, it hadn’t worked. Things went from bad to worse, they moved into her parents place, he slept downstairs, she slept up, they hadn’t had sex for 6 months when she discovered she was pregnant. Kev isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, so he thought it was his. She did nothing to make him think otherwise. So while visiting her and the new baby girl in the hospital, his uncle pulls him aside and tells him it’s not his baby, but his cousin’s, who’d she’d been having an affair with for the past 12 months.

Although our romance moved swiftly, I was in no great hurry to start a family straight away. I was only 20, I had years ahead of me to do that sort of stuff. I wanted to spend some “us time”, getting to truly know each other. He knew I wanted kids, but was afraid that because of an operation for undescended testis when he was a child, and because of 7 years of unprotected sex with his ex that never produced and offspring, that he was unable to have children. I told him we could worry about that when the time comes.

At 24, the time came. We’d spent 4 years together and I had decided that I wanted to start trying. He wasn’t keen, but didn’t object when I went off the pill. I thought it would be a piece of cake, considering my “extremely fertile” diagnosis by the doctors years earlier.

25 came and went, so did 26 and by this time I was starting to get a little worried. I encouraged him to go for a sperm test, but he wasn’t interested. He did go as far as getting a referral from a doctor, but never actually “delivered the goods” so to speak.

27 came and I started talking about donor sperm. He wouldn’t even entertain the idea. I loved this man and wanted to have a family with him, but he didn’t want to raise ‘someone else’s baby“. If he couldn’t have a biological child, then he didn’t want one at all. I again suggest a SA, to see if IVF or the like was an option for us, but he just wasn’t interested.

I can’t remember exactly when it happened, but I think it must have been when I was around 26-27, Kev started a downward spiral into depression. He’d had a pretty fucked up childhood and it was at this time, that cracks began to show in our relationship. He’d always been a fairly unhappy person, but me doing as women do, thought that not only could I ”fix“ him, that I had enough ”happiness“ for the two of us. He didn’t want to leave the house, he didn’t want to entertain the idea of children, he wasn’t interested getting a job, or buying a house or getting a better car, he just wanted to stay home, smoke pot, play his playstation, look at porn and contemplate suicide. He didn’t want to see a psychiatrist , he didn’t want to take his medication, he didn’t want to feel better. He was quite content to be miserable.

Being happy for two was exhausting. I alienated my friends and family. I just didn’t have the emotional strength to put up the pretense of a happy healthy relationship. I had told him countless times that I couldn’t go on like this, that this isn’t how I wanted my life to be. I didn’t want to end up the fat old lady with a gaggle of cats milling around my ankles and spending Christmas alone. He didn’t care.

At around 28, I think I’d pretty much decided that it was over between us. I was afraid to leave in case it sent him over the edge. I know it sounds like I’m big noting myself, but I didn’t to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. That, and I guess I still had a tiny bit of hope that one day he’d wake up and be ”better“ and want to start a family with me. It never happened.

At 29, I fell in love with someone else. Kev was the one that encouraged us to spend time together. He was the one that sent us to the movies together, to the park with the dogs together. He sent us together because he thought it was ”safe“. Safe because blood would never do that. Your brother is someone to intrust your life with, and that of your partner’s. It wasn’t expected, it wasn’t how I wanted things to end with Kev. I’d wanted a clean break, I didn’t want to be added to the big list of people that had fucked him over during his life. But here I was, still living with him, but in love with someone else.

I kept waiting for the right time to tell him it was over, but there was never a right time to let him know that after nine years, I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I lied to him and told him there was no one else. I lied and told him that I wanted time to find ”me“ again.

For financial reasons, we shared the same house for 2 months, living in separate rooms, having daily D & M’s about what had gone wrong, what he could do to change things. I was exhausted.

He’d asked both of us on several occasions if anything was going on between us, which we stoutly refused. After breaking into Chad house and finding photos of us together, the truth was out. I moved into Dad’s that very day.

So fast forward to 6 months ago, after 2 1/2 years of death stares and bitter words, he finally gets himself a girlfriend, and from all reports, he’s doing alot better. I’m genuinely happy for him. For him to be happy is all I ever wanted. I hadn’t been able to, so I was glad that someone could.

She is an older lady of about 43 (he’s 37 now), has a couple of grown kids and although she’d been bad mouthing me a bit, I really didn’t care, because she was making Kev happy.

So imagine my surprise when the friendly security guard at work, Larry, says to me last night ”Did you see Val?“, which I had and thought she looked like she’d put on a fair bit of weight. I mentioned the ”chubby“ factor, and Larry says, ”well she is pregnant you know“


I tell him that there is NO WAY that it could be KEV’S. He says it is, and not only is she pregnant now, but she also had a miscarriage to him not long after they first got together, some 6 months ago.

You almost had to pick me up off the floor.

*bitter rant about older women here, please turn away if you’re over 40, I don’t mean to offend you*

How the fuck is this humanly possible??? Well I know it’s possible, but WTF??? How on god’s green earth does this crusty old pre-menopausal woman who would have ovaries like dried up raisins manage to get knocked up by someone who apparently has a zero sperm count????

I know it can’t be ”us girls“ (Liz and I) who had the problems, Liz has 3 kids now and I’ve been pregnant twice in the past 18 months)

HOW THE FUCK???        

How the fuck could he not get either of us pregnant while our ovaries were in their prime but managed to get HER knocked up???

Of course I was upset, she looks at least 6 months pregnant, and Kev is going to be a dad, I presume, much to his duress no doubt, and here I am still waiting for mine!

I’ve got two theories.

1. He’s not actually the father.

2. She’s one of those insecure women who ”falls pregnant“ to try and keep her man then ”conveniently” loses the baby.

When I was told by Larry that she’s having a scan today because “things apparently aren’t going too well, and she wants to check for Downs because of her advanced maternal age” I nearly choked. The woman is 6 months pregnant, what the fuck is she going to do if it does have problems????
Larry laughed and said “don’t fret love, she’s only 11 weeks along, that all just fat”

I guess that made me feel a little better, but still.

Is this karma’s way of coming back to bite me in the arse??
Are my two loses “pay back” for the two babies I aborted??
Is Val’s pregnancy a way for the universe to punish me for screwing Kev over and falling in love with his brother?

This sucks.


Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

Number one, you are NOT being punished for your past by your current situation. I did something about as bad which I'm not going to get into, but I still feel guilty for it. I blamed both my losses on my past. I talked with a priest who told me that I was living my purgatory in this life. But when they found the uterine anomaly, I knew then that my guilt was my own and that I was not to blame for my losses. It was my body, from the time I was eight weeks in utero myself, and nothing I'd done or not done. So please forgive yourself. Had you not had those abortions, you still might have lost them. We will never know; my crystal ball was broken in one of my moves. But please forgive yourself. What happened is what was meant to be at the time.

As for Val, I doubt it's his. It could be a donor's and he's resolved himself to it being 'his' even though in his heart he knows that it's not. But if it is from him after all, consider the technologies available today. Now they can take a man with a low sperm count and isolate the viable ones and then inseminate her. Yes, if it takes she is very lucky, but it is not unheard of. Or, as you said, it could all be a mind fuck on her part, that she's faking it. That's not unheard of either.

Or... it could be Tom Cruise's. See above paragraph.

You did nothing wrong. You did what you needed to do at the time, and the heart is unpredictable as to who it chooses. You found who you needed to find, and it made you the person you are today. Do you think your husband is being punished for his past? No. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself.

3:12 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

I suppose when there is no other 'good' reason for the deaths of our children then it makes sense to blame ourselves and call it karma. Somehow even that is better than there being no reason at all. Except you do have a reason. It's that Dicky cervix of yours. And it will never be the reason again now you know about it.

As for Kev, his sounds like it's going to continue to be a sad life. And if his girl is up the duff, he'll know what the story is. I would suggest that he would rather rub Chad's nose in it than admit publicly that the baby isn't his.

What I mean to say is that there are more factors in all these things than your past behaviour. That Kev is fathering a baby that probably isn't his might be more about HIS past behaviour.

Forgive yourself and give yourself credit for making some bloody hard decisions. Because it is those decisions that have allowed you to build a strong, healthy and loving relationship that will, in turn, turn out strong, healthy, loving children and adults. You didn't settle for second best for yourself or your children - you aren't being punished for that.

7:49 AM  
Blogger April said...

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through so much emotional upheaval. Please trust that you are not being "punished" for what you did in the past that was best for your situation at that time.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Sweetie - you are not being punished (even though I'm sure it feels that way).

8:24 AM  
Blogger Catherine said...

I don't know Chan...I can't speak for God or Karma or anything more powerful than myself at the moment. I would hope you're not being punished, because then that means that God or Karma or whatever has got some seriously screwed up ideas about justice. But I just don't know. Maybe God/Karma/whatever is out there...maybe he's not the loving forgiving sort we thought he was. You don't know how much I hope that's not the truth. But since we're not even on speaking terms anymore, I just can't say for sure.

11:57 PM  
Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

I want to apologize for what I said. I said, 'I did something about as bad' - which is unfair because then that implies that your abortions were bad. I was making a judgment about myself and my guilt in comparison to yours. I'm sorry - I didn't mean to offend at all.

5:45 AM  
Blogger Little Girl in a Black Apron said...

that was really interesting and enjoyed reading

5:53 PM  
Blogger Dak-Ind said...

life is just hard sometimes, for no reason at all. i dont think that god is up there like a kid with a stick and a magnifying glass over an ant hill. and if he is... keep him looking your way damnit, my life cant afford another problem! (hehe sorry, im new here, but i always believed that you should start out the way you plan on continuing along... and if i was normal now, you might expect it later)

7:51 PM  
Blogger Em said...

I have been through all the 'punishment' scenarios. I had an abortion about five years ago when I was about 7 or 8 weeks. It caused me much, much pain afterwards and I had to have some heavy-duty counselling. If only I'd known hor it would **** me up!
Anyway, I definitely do not believe that you are being punished. The fertility stuff is so weird and random and unexplainable. How are we to know what the future holds when we make decisions?

5:21 AM  
Blogger Lisa P. said...

Like Em, I've BTDT. I wanted to share as soon as you posted this but was afraid - I got over it I guess.

Mine was many years ago when I was in college and I have resigned myself to stop beating myself up over it. At least this week. I also think that what Lorem says is true -- it may not have mattered one way or the other in both our cases. Try to be easy on yourself.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you sooooooooooooooo much for sharing all that about yourself. It takes a lot of courage to do that. We've all had not so happy situations in our lives at one point or another and I feel if I had of been in your shoes I would of done the same (hopefully I could be as strong as you). You are NOT being punished now. If you were thinking karma was involved you would have six kids by now as everyone knows what an amazing you are (you know right from wrong and NOT to jeopardise someone elses life for your own gain). Love you chooky!!!

12:50 AM  

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