I miss me....

I use to be so full of laughter, so full of hope. I use to be fun damn it.
Now when I look in the mirror, there's a sadness that lingers in my eyes.
I can't seem to find the me that I use to be. She's lost..... buried so far down that I don't think she'll ever be found.
I feel as though all events in my life are now depicted by the markers of when I lost our sons. "When I was pregnant with A.J this happened" "Do you remember just after we lost Jesse that....." Generally I'm shithouse with dates and times. But now there are these markers in my life that help me keep track...... and I wish it wasn't like that.
I want to be me again..... I want my boys back..... I want those carefree times back..... I want to feel a genuine smile creep across my lips..... I want to see joy in the little things.....
I miss how I was....
I miss who I was.....
I miss me.....

For our angels....

Do not think of me and weep,
I have not gone, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints in the snow,
I am the sunlit-ripened grain,
I am the gentle Autumn's rain.

When you awake in the morning hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the stars that shine at night
Do not think of me and weep,
I have not gone, I do not sleep.
I am forever with you.



Thank you for sending me this P... you truly are an amazing friend....

Random

I've noticed lately that some of my younger single friends have been leaving their inhibitions behind and, as they put it, going out and finding "randoms". Hooking up with hot guys for just the night, no emotional attachments, no expectations of "more".... just plain old unadulterated sex.

Bully for them I reckon. If men can do it, why the fuck can't women do it to?

I use to do it...... way back when...... I just wanted fun. And that I did. Admittedly, I look back now and know that the reasons I looked for that emotionless sex was because I was afraid of rejection, of falling in love. I didn't want to put myself out there only to be made to feel like "just a root" when they didn't call.... I didn't want to feel rejected. It wasn't about the emotion or the connection, it was the sex, just the sex, and nothing but the sex. I was safe then.... I didn't get hurt, my hopes were never dashed and my heart was never broken.

In hindsight, I don't actually regret what I did, I regret hiding behind casual sex because I was too afraid to feel. Don't get me wrong.... I had an awesome time during my teens and I wouldn't change a thing. It's made me appreciate what I have today..... and today.... today is what dreams are made of ( .... I love you Chadley ...)

To my single friends that are randoming..... I hope you're having the time of your life!

House warming, heart warming....

Firstly the good stuff....mainly cause I don't want to appear like a whiney bitch....
We went to my dear friend's house warming last night. Her and her partner have bought a beautiful little two bedroom house just down the road. Now that we don't work together it's hard finding time to catch up. It was so great to see her. Over the 5 years we worked together, I watched her grow from a quiet 16 year old worrying about exams, into the most amazing young woman who, at 21, has just purchased her first home and is planning a trip overseas. I'm so very proud of her, of everything she has accomplished, of the woman she has become.

Now to the whine.....

In these modern days of all the wizz bang gadgets to keep us in touch with each other, why is it that it takes my *cough* best friend almost 5 weeks to send me an email and acknowledge the loss of our last baby??? We have a home phone, 2 mobiles, 3 email addresses a postal address and somehow she couldn't find a way before now to drop a quick line to say "sorry, I'm here for you". I was there for her when she was asking me to, one day, tell her two children all about her because she felt she couldn't go on and was going to top herself, making me feel helpless because I was 2000 klms away. I feel like picking up the phone and saying a big fucking "up your arse lady". I want to be self absorbed and scream "what about me???". I want to be nasty and bitchy and guilt free while doing it. Phhtttt to you I say.......

**Just to add a big thank you to my above mentioned friend for attaching a picture of your two beautiful children to the email. I would have send you one of ours.....but they are dead.

What kind of a friend am I?

I sat in the car for an hour today. I got as far as putting the keys in the ignition. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't will myself to start it.
I was hoping to go and see my friend J .....but I just couldn't.
You see, J and I were pregnant at the same time.....we were due on the same day..... I'm not pregnant anymore.....she is. I just couldn't bring myself to going around and seeing her pregnant belly..... I so love spending time with her..... I love her....she is such a dear, dear friend.....but how can I go there and not look.... how can I ignore what is staring me in the face? How can I go over there and be a good friend and not resent the fact that, although she already has 4 kids (and they are fantastic kids and this latest addition is very much wanted) she's going to have yet another baby and here I am....left waiting.....left wanting. I know she understands. I'm just pissed at myself for not being able to but my grief aside for a measly couple of hours and be a good friend.

I'm a shithouse friend.....really.....

Oh the joys of being a woman

Oh I'm a HAPPY girl... and yes that is sarcasm. My first AF since we lost Jesse has arrived .... a sad, sad reminder of what I'm not anymore.... pregnant. It also means that we're one day closer to starting down the TTC road again.

Here we go again.....

I am the owner of a dicky cervix. A cervix that has conspired against me on two seperate occassions. I'm not too fond of my cervix, but I'm stuck with it. I tried taking it to Cash Converters and swapping it for a PS2, but they weren't interested.
Apparently I have what is called an "incompetent cervix".

in·com·pe·tent (ĭn-kŏm'pĭ-tənt)

1. Inadequate for or unsuited to a particular purpose or application.
2. Devoid of those qualities requisite for effective conduct or action.

It could only have been a man who came up with that WONDERFUL terminology.
Anywho...that's what I have.
This, I guess, is going to document our journey through trying to concieve, and having to deal with my broken bits, and any other rants I have between now and then.