10 Tips to being a good Mother In-Law

1. If you are going to buy food, buy food for everyone, not just yourself. Although you feel as though you are “putting us out” by eating our food, we specifically bought enough food to feed all of us. Although we said there was no need for you to buy your own food, it wouldn’t hurt if you put your hand in your pocket for a loaf of bread, a carton of milk or even a six pack to contribute to the Christmas day feast. It’s what’s called being a good house guest.

2. Please make sure you are covered up at all times if you insist on wearing nothing but a sarong around the house.

3. The perfume I’m wearing is the same one I’ve been wearing for years (it’s called Kama by Karmasutra, it’s actually an Indian love oil, just in case you all are wondering). I like wearing it because it’s a distinct scent that is “me”. Yes I have a problem with you borrowing some. I’m not particularly fussed on the idea of us smelling the same.

4. No I did not see the episode of Malcolm in the Middle/NCIS/Law & Order/McCleod’s Daughters or any other show that it shown during “prime time”. I work nights. I’ve worked nights for the last 7 years. I’m at work during “prime time”, so no I didn’t see it, so please stop asking me.

5. Ditto with the numerous amounts of humorous commercials that tickle your funny bone. I don’t watch a lot of television full stop. Day time television is atrocious therefore don’t tend to watch.

6. Please don’t buy me anymore watches. I don’t wear one. I don’t intend on wearing one. Ever. The pink “jelly” watch you gave me last year is still sitting in my bottom draw, soon it will be joined by the wrap around, diamonties incrusted, kids watch that is way too small.... because it is after all..... A KIDS WATCH        , that you gave me this year.

8. We have two couches. One is a lovely suede camel coloured 3 seater with a chase, perfect for two or more people. We refer to it as “our” couch. The other is a chocolate coloured 2 seater, which we refer to as our “visitors couch”. It’s rather rude to stake your claim the first day you get here by sprawling out over “our” couch and leaving us to huddle together on the visitors couch.

9. In reference to the couch mentioned in the above point, if you’re going to lay all over our camel coloured couch and do your crosswords, please be mindful of the black biro you are using. Seeing as you had staked your spot on the couch and nobody else had sat there for at least 12 hours, at least admit that it could have been you and apologize. It’s extremely poor taste to try and blame the 3 1/2 year old who hasn’t been upstairs in more than 18 hours.

10. When it’s 30+ degrees and I’m sweating like a pig, please refrain from uttering comments such as “It’d be interesting to know what the temperature is” or “how hot do you think it is now Chan?” every hour. I’m not a meteorologist, or a weather girl. All I know is that it’s FUCKING HOT and I’m doing my damn best to try to FORGET exactly how hot it is and ignore the sweat that is running down my back and pooling in my arse crack.

I am a.......

cunt, with a capital C.

I was going to say “bitch”, but I am so much more than that. I. AM. A. LOW. ARSED. EVIL. NASTY. CUNT.

Remember my post about my ex and his current girlfriend and how I bitched and moaned and cried about how unfair the universe was that she was pregnant and I wasn’t?

What wasn’t said was the evil, horrible thoughts that I had.

I wished that she’d lose the baby. I wished that her pregnancy wouldn’t be easy, that her labour would be worse. I’d wished that the baby would be retarded and deformed.

I was jealous, insanely jealous. I was bitter and angry and green with envy.

Though these words that were never spoken out loud, they did several laps around my head. They don’t necessary warrant being labeled the “C” word, because I’m sure at one time or another, though many of us wouldn’t admit to it, have had similar thoughts. Guilt coincided with those horrible thoughts, because what kind of a person wishes those things on a tiny baby?

Kev & Vals’s baby was incompatible with life.

So last Tuesday, they made their way to hospital where she was induced at 18 weeks and gave birth to a tiny little girl. They dressed her in a tiny little dress, and they held her. They kissed her and told her good-bye.

So what makes me such a cunt?

When I was told, for more than a moment, I was happy that they’d lost their baby. I was pleased that the joy of fatherhood had been taken away from him. I was delighted at their loss, because it meant, I was right in leaving him because I wanted a baby, my decision wasn’t in vane.

My joy only lasted but a minute or two, which in hindsight, was a minute or two too long. How could I be “happy” about the loss of a baby, regardless of who’s baby it was? How could I be so cold ? So spiteful and vile?

Because I’m a cunt, of gargantuan proportions. A horrible, nasty, self centered, evil, loathsome, obnoxious, hateful bitch.

I cried. Not because of the realization that I was so nasty, but I cried for their little girl, I cried for their loss.

I’ll never be able to tell them how sorry I am, it would just be perceived as me being spiteful, because that’s the kind of person he is. He wouldn’t be able to see I was showing genuine sympathy and sadness for their loss.

So to the little girl who’s name I may never know, fly free little one.
Know that there is sorrow in my heart for your parents.
And know that there are two little boys up there who, despite the estrangement between us, are your family, and they will envelop you in their wings, and keep you safe.

Sleep sweet baby girl.......

Is this just the beginning?

I’ve received the following email quite a few times in the last few weeks....

 
Subject: It's Our Country
Australia- The Right to Leave
Our Country - YOU Have the right - the right to leave ! 
After Sydney not wanting to offend other cultures by  putting up Xmas lights. 
After hearing that the State of South Australia changed  its opinion and let a Muslim woman have her picture on  her driver's license with her face  covered. 
This prompted this editorial written by an Australian citizen.  Published in an Australian newspaper. 
Quote:
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.   Take It Or Leave It !
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are  offending some individual or their culture. Since the  terrorist attacks on  Bali, we have experienced a surge  in patriotism by the majority of Australians. 
However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about  the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a  grudge  against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to  Australia. 
However, there are a few things that those who have recently  come to our  country, and apparently some born here,  need to understand.
This idea of Australia being a multicultural community has  served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.  As Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our  own language and  our own lifestyle.

This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have  sought freedom. 

We  speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese,  Japanese, Russian, or any other language.  Therefore, if you wish to become part of  our  society,  Learn the language! 

"In God We Trust" is our National Motto. This is not some  Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this  motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles,  founded this  nation,  and this is clearly documented.  It is certainly appropriate to display it  on the walls of our  schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another  part of the world as your new home,  Because God is part of our culture. 

If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like  " A Fair  Go", then you should seriously consider a move  to another part of  this planet.

We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change,  And we really don't care how you did things where you came from. 

This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE,  and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. 

But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our National Motto, or Our Way of Life,  I highly encourage
you take advantage of one other great  Australian freedom,
             "THE RIGHT TO LEAVE"      
If you aren't happy here then leave now!  We didn't force you  to come here.  You asked to be here.  So accept the country YOU accepted.  Pretty easy really, when you think about it.  
                    
-------------------------------------------
I don’t consider myself a racist, or a bigot, but I’m beginning to tired of all the political correctness bullshit that is being forced upon us.

Just last week, a primary school principle felt obliged to write a letter of apology to a family after they took offense to the word “Christmas” being written 3 times in a school newsletter.

And even more recently are the events of last Sunday at Cronulla in NSW where thousands of people took to the streets to “take back their beach” after 2 local volunteer lifeguards (aged 15 & 19) were brutally attacked by a gang of men of “middle eastern appearance”.

It brought further to light the true amount of segregation that is evident here in Australia, despite the impression of a multicultural heaven that is portrayed around the world.

The media is doing a fine job of blaming the “white neo-natzi” supporters for all the happenings, but what they are failing to show is WHY these people felt they needed to take a stand. Here is a little information on what has been happening over the last couple of years.

So why haven’t the police put a stop to this kind of intimidation and abuse? Because they can’t.

Here is an exert from The Daily Telegraph (the full article is here)

I'm a police officer - and I am scared

This open letter, from an anonymous police officer, was being distributed to locals in Cronulla yesterday

December 14, 2005

I AM a NSW police officer with more than 17 years' experience and I tell you that I am scared.

I am scared to do my job and I don't blame the community for taking the law into their own hands.

In the late '80s when I first joined the police force, I saw how the old school police did things. I agree there was corruption and things had to change, but what the Government, judicial system and ultimately society did to the police force was just disgraceful.

In days gone by, if there was a group of hoodlums hanging around intimidating people outside a pub, two 6'2" burly coppers would turn up in a big F100 truck.

The way they spoke, their stature, respect and how they dealt with these hoodlums gave them real power and not some weak piece of legislation given to them by some reactionary Government.

If these hoodlums hadn't already run off because they knew what was coming, they would cop a flogging, a kick up the bum, a slap over the head. The young kids were afraid of the police and that's how we controlled and protected the community.

Fear is the only thing a young male understands. That real power is now lost forever.

Let's look at how the new police force would handle the same job.

Firstly, we changed our name to a "service" because it was aggressive to use the word "force". We send two small female officers, wearing silly little yellow caps.

If we want to move these thugs out of the area, we have a very strict procedure we must follow. We have to announce our name and place of duty. The thug laughs and starts calling us by our first name.

We have to tell them why they have to move on. We have to warn them that if they fail to move on, they may be arrested.

If there is more than one thug, we have to do this to each one.

They tell us they don't speak English, start stating their rights and call their friends by mobile phone to come to the location.

The process we have just started doesn't work with a drunk who wants to argue - it just makes it more confusing.

We have to make detailed notes of the conversation and caution them not to say or do anything in case it incriminates them.

Each time we use a power, we have to tell the hoodlum what it is and why we are doing it.

From the very outset, they have the upper hand and it continues. They have the real power ... we have pretend power.“

I don’t agree with the attack on the innocent people who, solely because of their ethnic appearance, got caught up in the events of Sunday’s ”riot“.

I don’t agree with painting every person who shares the same heritage or religious believes with the same brush.

I don’t agree with the politicians who are blaming the ”anglos“ and sweeping wrong doings by ”minorities“ under the carpet because they’re afraid if they do, they will be labeled as unsympathetic and racist.

I don’t agree with the government that seems to have had it’s back bone surgically removed that is allowing all this PC crap to go on.

Is this all just a storm in a tea cup that will be forgotten about in a month or two, or the true cracks of multiculturalism beginning to show?

Could it be???

Is that.......
a faint.......
if you hold it up to the light juuuussstt right
it certainly could be.......
nah......
well if you hold it like this is could be
and on this angle possibly

Stop being such a dick. Of course it’s not a fucking line.
And just to prove how much of a fucking dick you are......you can have your periods 2 days before they’re due!
That’ll teach you for being such a wanker and looking for shit that’s not there.
pppphhhtttt to you girlfriend!