Monday, December 19, 2005

I am a.......

cunt, with a capital C.

I was going to say “bitch”, but I am so much more than that. I. AM. A. LOW. ARSED. EVIL. NASTY. CUNT.

Remember my post about my ex and his current girlfriend and how I bitched and moaned and cried about how unfair the universe was that she was pregnant and I wasn’t?

What wasn’t said was the evil, horrible thoughts that I had.

I wished that she’d lose the baby. I wished that her pregnancy wouldn’t be easy, that her labour would be worse. I’d wished that the baby would be retarded and deformed.

I was jealous, insanely jealous. I was bitter and angry and green with envy.

Though these words that were never spoken out loud, they did several laps around my head. They don’t necessary warrant being labeled the “C” word, because I’m sure at one time or another, though many of us wouldn’t admit to it, have had similar thoughts. Guilt coincided with those horrible thoughts, because what kind of a person wishes those things on a tiny baby?

Kev & Vals’s baby was incompatible with life.

So last Tuesday, they made their way to hospital where she was induced at 18 weeks and gave birth to a tiny little girl. They dressed her in a tiny little dress, and they held her. They kissed her and told her good-bye.

So what makes me such a cunt?

When I was told, for more than a moment, I was happy that they’d lost their baby. I was pleased that the joy of fatherhood had been taken away from him. I was delighted at their loss, because it meant, I was right in leaving him because I wanted a baby, my decision wasn’t in vane.

My joy only lasted but a minute or two, which in hindsight, was a minute or two too long. How could I be “happy” about the loss of a baby, regardless of who’s baby it was? How could I be so cold ? So spiteful and vile?

Because I’m a cunt, of gargantuan proportions. A horrible, nasty, self centered, evil, loathsome, obnoxious, hateful bitch.

I cried. Not because of the realization that I was so nasty, but I cried for their little girl, I cried for their loss.

I’ll never be able to tell them how sorry I am, it would just be perceived as me being spiteful, because that’s the kind of person he is. He wouldn’t be able to see I was showing genuine sympathy and sadness for their loss.

So to the little girl who’s name I may never know, fly free little one.
Know that there is sorrow in my heart for your parents.
And know that there are two little boys up there who, despite the estrangement between us, are your family, and they will envelop you in their wings, and keep you safe.

Sleep sweet baby girl.......

9 Comments:

Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

I don't think you were wishing death so much on their kid, but pain for THEM. And they got it.

I am sad for you that you are so wracked with guilt. Please don't be - you didn't make it happen.

12:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie, we all wish bad things to happen to other people who have done wrong by us at one time or another. Its a human trait and at least you are also human enough to feel guilt about thinking bad things. You never put those words and thoughts out into the universe and you did not cause what happened to them (no matter how many times you thought it). Life is what it is and we are what we are. If we didn't have feelings, emotions, thoughts etc... we would not be human. Please don't beat yourself up over something you didn't cause.
Hundreds of hugs, Rissa.

10:53 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

You didn't make this happen, just like you didn't make any of this other bullshit that happened to you happen either.

You can chuck around the c-word all you like about our dead babies - there is only one person/entity who has been there for them all. And it isn't you Hon.

You've offered that little angel your own sweet boys as playmates for all eternity. You've paid, you've made anything you think you may have done ok.

You didn't do this. Doesn't mean you can't feel unspeakably sad for them and yourself too. Hang in there ((hugs))

1:15 AM  
Blogger Em said...

Thanks for your honesty. I have had fleeting horrible thoughts as well. It is natural when you wnat something that others have.

8:30 AM  
Blogger MC said...

I also have fleeting jealous thoughts. Especially when J's cousin got pregnant and I felt horrible when she lost her daughter 5 months into her pregnancy. I thought I was such a bitch for having those envious thoughts.
I don't think you are the "C" word.

3:49 PM  
Blogger the ockers said...

Oh poor you, Chan. Don't beat yourself up over this one. I 2nd what JIll said, your ex is the only common factor between what happened this time around and what happened to you. And I think it's normal to think unhealthy, undesirable thoughts of wanting your ex hurt or worse when they've done you wrong so badly. God, I know I've wished my ex would drop dead about a thousand times or more... so take a deep breath and start to breath again, because this is not your fault at all, you poor thing.

8:23 PM  
Blogger K&M said...

Please don't beat yourself up over this. I, too, have had evil thoughts about my uber-fertile neighbors, especially after my losses. It was a horrible thing to happen, but not your fault and it doesn't make you a "c" because you had those thoughts and feelings.

Huge hugs,
Kate

9:07 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

I'll second everyone else's comments, and add that .... "I'll never be able to tell them how sorry I am" ... I think this post shows your sincerity and sorrow.

Go easy on yourself. If only we were powerful enough that a simple comment from us in a moment of anger could make bad stuff happen ....

Big hugs and wishes of peace to you.

11:32 AM  
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12:09 AM  

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