Fear and loathing in Brisvegas

I've noticed the last week or two that I've been shying away from "personal" entries and keeping things pretty light (I blogged about my zit, though a zit on the nose is a VERY traumatic experience).

In all honesty, the closer I get to the date of my hysteroscopy, the more freaked out I get. What if they find something wrong? What if I can never have children? Scarier still.....what if they tell me there IS nothing wrong? What if they give me the green light to go forth and procreate?

TTC again opens up the same old can of worms..... knowing we're not "doing it" just for fun, the agonizing 2 week wait, the HPT's that I become obsessed with taking, the disappointment when AF arrives.

Then there's the fear I feel when I think about actually being pregnant again. Most women get more and more excited as the 12 week stage approaches. Both of our miscarriages happened after that "safe" period, after everything was suppose to be OK.

Dr C said they would keep a very close eye on me next time with scans every week, but what if it's not enough? How do I remain sane in those 7 days between scans? I know I'm jumping the gun a bit.... I'm not even pregnant yet, but I can't help thinking about.....obsessing about it.......

The "what if's" are going to do my head in already.

12 months ago tomorrow, we lost our first baby. Our little A.J. It feels like only yesterday..... the memories are so vivid. The blood.....the hospital..... the unbearable pain... the needles.......feeling his tiny body leave me........how empty I felt..... how my heart felt as though it had been ripped out...... his tiny body ..... his long legs that we just like his Daddy's.......

I miss my little boys......